The Challenge of Adoption

We are finally back in the states.  We got in around 8:30pm on August 30th.  We traveled about 22 hours.  It was a long flight, but it went rather quickly as I cranked through the Hobbit trilogy and tried to keep myself occupied.   Micah did well for a toddler!  He slept a good amount on the flight, and played with Play-Doh and watched some movies without sound because the earbuds couldn’t fit into his ears.

The whole two week trip was incredibly difficult and of course very rewarding.  We started our journey by flying into Beijing, China and got ourselves acclimated to the jet lag over the weekend of the 18th by touring the Great Wall, Tienanmen Square, and the Forbidden City.  Monday morning was “Gotcha Day” as they call it and we took a bullet train to Shanxi west of Beijing.  Our hearts were beating out of our chests as the clock ticked closer and closer to when we would meet Micah.

As we approached the Civil Affairs office on Monday the 20th, we saw a young boy sitting with a middle-aged man.  Somehow we knew it was him.  It was definitely far from one of those amazing “Touched by an Angel” episodes, where the bright light shines on Della Reese, dreams come true, and everyone is crying tears of joy.  As we approached we came up to him slowly, knelt down, and showed him a stuffed bear and airplane we had bought for him.  The caretaker softly spoke some words in Mandarin to Micah, which probably meant something like, “Here are your parents, I’m going to go now.”  He screamed and clung to his caretaker, and it was an all out war.  He was groaning and screaming and yelling for his caretaker.  We stood there soaking it all in not really knowing what to do.  We had waited 2 years for this and wanted to comfort him, love him, and hold him, but we couldn’t.  15 minutes seemed like an eternity, and finally the caretaker said something to him and left.  Our guide seemed to think that the caretaker told him he would go to the car to grab something for him and come back but then never did.  Micah was smart enough to know that the caretaker was outside and pointed outside and screamed more.  He kept pulling people to the door and others had to prod him to come back inside.  He was screaming, “UNCLE! UNCLE!” They called the men and women uncles and aunts at the orphanage where he was being kept.

During the entire fiasco, I was thinking “Son, this will be fine, you have no idea what you’re about to get, you’re going to get a two parent home, and a house with an acre where you can play, and your own room, and toys.”  At that moment it hit me.  I was staring straight into a mirror.  I was Micah and this was exactly what I do to God on a regular basis.  There is something better that God has for me that is incomprehensible and I have no idea what kind of an inheritance and blessings I will receive, and yet I’m still holding on to  the familiar and facade of the joys of this world.

With much reluctance, things were resolved and they handed him over to me and we got in the van and we went back to the hotel.  Micah was sobbing, and a soft moan probably meant he was comforting himself.  He went limp in my arms, and there was nothing we could do except cry with him.  Monday the 20th through Thursday the 23rd were incredibly difficult.  Micah went into a full-blown depression and was screaming for days for his uncle and going limp in my arms.  Ashley and I cried and cried for days until there were just no tears left to give.  It’s normal for one child to attach to either parent and Micah(maybe because of my Asian background haha) picked me.  It was hard on me because Micah couldn’t be left alone at all, he was strapped to me almost 24/7 unless trying to go down to sleep.  I had him in a carrier and he went with me everywhere including the bathroom.  He got to the point where he would grab toilet paper for me and attempt to rip it off and hand it to me.

Where one parent usually has suffocation the other has rejection.  It was also incredibly challenging for Ashley because Micah wanted nothing to do with her at all.  If she would reach for him he would push her away.  Some women dream of becoming a lawyer or doctor when they are little, but Ashley’s dream has always been to be a wife and a mom.  After waiting decades for this dream, she had to wait again.  He was within arms grasp and Micah wanted nothing to do with her.  This was incredibly eye opening for Ashley because it reminded her of her relationship with God also.  She kept pursuing Micah even though he didn’t want any of her affections.  What was even more of a difficult situation was seeing the other children bond faster with both parents.  Ashley would sit at the dinner table and see the other couples passing their children back and forth while she had to watch me feed Micah from my lap.

We took an in country flight to Guangzhou on the 23rd where we would spend another week in China getting his visa.  Every moment out of the depression and one step closer to trusting us were small victories.  We’ll never forget his first smile at dinner, or Micah allowing Ashley to touch him for the first time, or hearing him giggle and laugh like a squeaky toy as we tickled him, or putting him down for the first time as we walked with him hand in hand to breakfast as all the other adopting families were staring in disbelief.

It was so divine to have the other couples on the trip who could identify with these struggles.  We all laughed and cried together.  There were six couples total and two couples were on their second adoption.  Those families coached and encouraged us and it was such a Godsend to have them there.

Things have been improving greatly each day.   We’ve seen huge strides with each passing moment as Micah learns to trust us for his basic needs, food, water, diaper change, and sleep…rinse and repeat.  Micah is incredibly clever, timid, and a bit of a tease as he likes to joke with Ashley, and loves to help(for now haha).  We’ve been on the road so much that when we get up he puts on his backpack and goes and gets our shoes for us.  He has a huge fear of abandonment as expected, and just telling him in Mandarin that we won’t leave him and that we love him simply isn’t enough, he wants to see it with our actions.

A guy on our trip told us that these two weeks will be a fleeting moment compared to the rest of our lives.  This is so true of the Christian life.  “For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.”(2 Corinthians 4:17)

Micah is still waking up in the middle of the night looking for comfort from the two people that he has begun to trust, with sweat pouring down his face in anguish as he yells, “BABA!”(this means Father in Mandarin). I had read about it in Dr. Moore’s book, but now the idea of being a father is becoming a reality.

(Russell Moore – Adopted for Life)

Up to that time, I had read the Abba cry passages in Romans and Galatians the same way I had heard them preached: as a gurgle of familiarity, the spiritual equivalent of an infant cooing “Papa” or “Daddy.” Relational intimacy is surely present in the texts—hence Paul’s choice of such a personal word as Abba—but this definitely isn’t sentimental. After all, Scripture tells us that Jesus’ Spirit lets our hearts cry “Abba, Father!” (Gal. 4:6). Jesus cries “Abba, Father” as he screams “with loud cries and tears” for deliverance in the Garden of Gethsemane (Heb. 5:7; Mark 14:36). Similarly, the doctrine of adoption shows us that we “groan” with the creation itself “as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies” (Rom. 8:23). It is the scream of the crucified.

I Have Prepared a Place for You

You don't know me, and I don't know you, but your mother and I have seen you and have chosen you.  You are my son.  How I long to hold you, wrap my arms around you, kiss your forehead, and tell you that I love you.  "If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also."(John 14:3)

We've enjoyed every moment of preparing your room, and I hope you like green.  There is a crib of stuffed animals smiling and waiting for your arrival.  The bed is ready for you to lie down on and rest after such a long journey.  The windows open up to a vast view of the countryside where you'll hear an occasional freight train clicking on the tracks between illustrious oak trees and acres of lofty cornfields.  Below is a deck where I envision us sitting together laughing and talking about God, life, and our shared experience of adoption.  A little playground awaits footsteps up the ramp to your little outdoor playhouse. How I long for the sound of joyous giggling overcoming the competing sound of rusty chains rubbing together from swinging back and forth as I stand behind you and gently push.

I dream of us playing catch outside with the football and me tackling you to the ground in the warmest of embraces.  I dream of the smell of lasagna and baked bread drifting out the kitchen window as your mother waves us in to gather around the rustic table with a spread of the finest of feasts.  This is a palace fit for a king compared to the orphanage that you are in and yet I know that even here I cannot fully protect you from all of your tears, pain, sin, and death.  "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God...For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 3:23, 6:23)

How I long for us to partake in the free gift of salvation together through belief and surrender to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, "because if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. (Romans 10:9)

And for those who believe, how I long for a place where "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”(Revelation 21:4)

“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you?(John 14:1-2)

Your mother and I have prepared a room for you, but through the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus, He has prepared a way to a room unimaginable and so much greater...


Evan Dlugosz

The Power of Prayer

"Although the Atlantic was rough, the ship remained on schedule until running into thick fog off Newfoundland.  Captain Dutton had been on the bridge for twenty-four hours when George Muller appeared at his side.

'Captain, I have come to tell you that I must be in Quebec by Saturday afternoon'
'It is impossible,' said the captain
'Very well,' said Muller, 'if your ship cannot take me, God will find some other way... Let us go down into the chart-room and pray.'

Muller then knelt down and prayed simply.  When he had finished the captain was about to pray, but Muller put his hand on his shoulder.
'Do not pray.  First, you don't believe He will answer, and second, I believe He has and there is no need whatever for you to pray about it.'

The captain walked across to the door and opened it.  The fog had lifted."(177-178)

George's need to be in Quebec by Saturday afternoon was not to enjoy a vacation he had planned, but rather to start his first preaching tour in the United States on time.  This is one of the many amazing stories from George Muller's life in Delighted In God.  George not only chose to lead his family and pastor a church without a salary, but also went on from there to build five large orphanages housing thousands of children by praying for every penny of the building costs, food, etc!

I am not saying that we all need to quit earning salaries or build orphanages by praying in every penny, but reading about his life has really reminded me of the power and importance of prayer in our lives.  It can be easy to recite the same prayers habitually without thought or only ask for what we need or want, like God is some genie granting wishes.  It can be hard to figure out the balance of coming to God with a request, believing He will answer, hoping for the answer, and then trusting in His timing and waiting patiently.  George Muller said, "asking aright/correctly has three elements:

1- Desiring God's glory
2- Confessing our unworthiness and pleading the merits of Jesus
3- Believing that we do receive the things for which we ask"(180)

Let's also remember to be thankful even during difficult times.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. (Philippians 4:6)

Hopefully, years down the road, after we have our little one at home and we're just going about daily life, I will remember all that I have learned.  Prayer is something that is always important, not just as I go through the long and exhausting process of adoption.

Near the end of his life, Muller said this about the Lord:
"'He has never failed me!  For nearly seventy years every need in connection with this work has been supplied.  The orphans from the first until now, have numbered nine thousand five hundred, but they have never wanted a meal.  Never!  Hundreds of times we have commenced the day without a penny in hand, but our Heavenly Father has sent supplies by the moment they were actually required.  There never was a time when there was no wholesome meal.  During all these years I have been enabled to trust God, in the living God, and in Him alone.  One million four hundred thousand pounds have been sent to me in answer to prayer.  We have wanted as much as fifty thousand pounds in one year, and it has all come by the time it has been really needed.'" (221)

I have always known that prayer is important.  I have even prayed continuously throughout my days.  Yet prayer has always been a bit mysterious to me.  I am sure I will continue to grow in this area, but I have learned so much about prayer in the reading of this book and through the study of God's word.  The fog has lifted!



"George Muller: Delighted in God, Roger Steer"

Ashley Dlugosz

Are We There Yet?

"Are We There Yet?"  It's an inward and outward groaning that rings true in the ear of every person alive.  Most people recognize it as the sound of a whiny child in the back seat of a soccer mom van on the way to any destination over five minutes.  "No we are not almost there yet! We just got on the road!" You can see eyebrows angled down in the rear-view mirror as mama bear stews in the front seat over the annoyance.  The groaning and complaining is like nails on a chalkboard!

Adoption can be a really long road trip.  In the case of the people adopting it feels like you're the kids in the backseat of the minivan heading to Six Flags.  You've been on the road for 8 hours, but this time the driver says, "I know we're heading to the Six Flags, and I don't know how long it will take until we arrive."  Meanwhile, a group of your closest friends and family bombards you with phone calls and texts every 5 minutes asking, "Have you made it yet, and have you ridden any rides? 

In every stage of life we're waiting for something.  Young kids can't wait to get out of school, singles can't wait to finish college and get a dream job, career singles can't wait until they are married, the married can't wait until they have their first kid.  Parents can't wait for their kid to walk, talk, their first day at school, have their second or third child, watch them graduate, empty nest, retire, and finally relax.

In Acts 1, we see Jesus telling the apostles that they're going to have to wait.  They witnessed Jesus' death, burial, resurrection, appearance, and now Jesus had come back!  They ask Him in verse 6, "Will you at this time restore the kingdom to Israel?"  Jesus isn't dead, He's alive, and He's back!  It sounds like it's time to restore the kingdom!  However, Jesus responds to them by saying, "It's not for you to know the times or seasons that the Father has fixed by His own authority."  He then tells them the Holy Spirit is coming and that they'll be witnesses in Jerusalem, Judea, Samaria, and the ends of the earth.  Jesus leaves by means of a cloud and two witnesses in white robes tell them that Jesus will come back the same way He just left.  The apostles don't know when Jesus is going to return, but instead of waiting on the hillside for Him to come back, they immediately go and wait for the Holy Spirit at Pentecost, start making disciples of all nations, and the Gospel is spread to the ends of the earth.

We'll never arrive if we're just seeking goals on earth during our waiting seasons, and we'll never stop waiting for the next thing.  I'm encouraged each morning as I waddle down the stairs and see my wife diligently studying the Word of God.  She isn't sitting around waiting for baby Dlugosz to come home, she's actively involved with making disciples and mentoring younger women.  She's staying busy with kingdom work.  By God's grace this won't stop when things get busier in life, or when we feel like we've arrived at whatever point we imagined in a temporal way.

"Are We There Yet?"  Well...yes and no.  We've finished a few goals of the adoption process and now we're waiting for the referral.  Hopefully we aren't groaning about the next self-centered arrival point. The only groaning inwardly that should be taking place in our waiting is the groaning as we eagerly wait for the adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.(Romans 8:23)  The completed adoption for believers in the already but not yet.


Evan Dlugosz

Some good news!

Hello everyone!  So, the good news is not a referral, but it is actually great news that helps not just us and other families who are adopting, but also helps orphans in China!  We got this message from Bethany a couple days ago:

On December 7, 2017, the CCCWA announced to adoption agencies that the orphanage donation paid at the time of adoption registration (as listed on your China fee agreement) will no longer be required. This announcement is effective immediately. According to the announcement, 

“Foreign adopters may donate out of free will to the child welfare institution AFTER the adoption registration is finalized. The donation shall be made on a VOLUNTARY basis, the donors shall have the right to decide on the quantity, purpose of use and form of donation, and the two parties shall make a donation agreement.” 

So you will see the final amount we need to raise on www.adoptalovestory.com/family/dlugosz go down soon because of this announcement.  This is so exciting on a few levels!  First of all, it is a huge help for us and other families who are raising funds.  It is also a stress relief to not have to walk around China with several thousand in cash that would just be handed over to the orphanage.  Then, I mentioned it will help the children.  The cash that used to be handed over was never really accounted for.  Families had no say about it, they would just hand it over.  Now, if we end up raising more than we absolutely need, we can make a donation and specify that we want that money to go towards food and/or medical needs for the kids who are still in that orphanage!

I hope we can soon post an update about our child.  They told us in May it would likely be 6-12 months.  So, hopefully in the next 5 months we’ll have more great news to share!

Merry Christmas to you all!

Ashley Dlugosz

God's Faithfulness

If we started this whole process with the full amount to adopt, it would require a lot less faith in God.  Wise words from my husband!  It would probably feel way more comfortable to start this process with the full amount we needed.  Imagine if we knew we could just reach into the pot and pull out the amount as each bill came up due.    However, relying on God and seeing how He provides is much better than the comfort of trusting in our own abilities.

We have already paid several bills, and as we watch them approach and wonder how we'll pay, God always provides!  I hate that I ever doubt or worry.  It's amazing to think about how the Israelites turned against God so quickly after all the miracles, and then realize I am doing the same thing each time I worry about our future and these bills.

We wanted to share a couple of amazing things that we have seen to inspire others, and to hopefully encourage anyone who may want to pursue adoption, but is afraid of the huge cost.  Here is the first story I will share.  We planned a garage sale in Bluffton, IN which is the area where I (Ashley) grew up.  As the weekend approached I got a call from my mom.  She told me that the weather was going to be awful, pouring rain, cold, nasty and wondered if we should put off the sale for another weekend.  I discussed it with Evan and we decided it was too late to rearrange plans, so we decided to move forward and trust God whether we raised $20 or $1,000.  We didn't know what good He had planned for the sale, whether that would be for someone to come to Christ, or another family to decide to adopt, for other funds to come in, all of the above, etc.  We just trusted that He would bring good from the weekend.  We were so amazed by the love and support from the family who opened their garage, others who stood out in the cold rain with us, and a constant flow of people who did not let the rain stop them from coming to our sale!  Our sale was donation based and we walked away with over $2000!  God is amazing!

We then had a second sale in Columbus and that time the weather was hot and humid and draining people of energy, yet again, the crowds came and we raised another $1000!

Just when it seems like things are settling down, God provides more avenues of His faithfulness.  What do we do now that the sales are over?  How else do we raise funds?  People at our church amaze us with suggestions, donations, love and support.  Again, why did I start to doubt?

I will share one more story from earlier this year.  I have been selling stuff on eBay, which has actually brought in more than $1500 over the last 4 months!  I had a mug that I LOVED, but was willing to sell it.  The mug was actually in high demand.  I started the bid high and also informed everyone that we were selling it to raise funds for our adoption.  I had a lady win it for about $175, then she told me to keep it and sell it again!  I don't know that lady, but God used her to encourage me and help us through this process.

So yes, as easy as it would be to start off with the full amount, I am very thankful to have these stories, and to be able to grow and share with others.

Special Needs is Uncomfortable

She was heading this way and I was starting to feel nervous and uncomfortable.  I knew there was a language barrier there and we would be on two different wavelengths.  There was no way I could relate at all to this person.  She had down-syndrome.

As I began to interact with her family, I could see how much joy she gave to her family.  A few hours later we were all gathered around the dinner table laughing and I could see that this person was no different than I.  She even had the most hilarious jokes.  She was certainly more aware of her surroundings than I had initially given her credit for.  This person was made in the image of God just like the rest of us.

Isn't this true of special needs?  We would never admit this but we are uncomfortable with people who not only look different than what we would classify as "normal," but also people who behave differently.  The grunting or gibberish formed into incoherent sentences is an unfamiliar language we are scared or unwilling to learn.

Internally we cringe when there is some physical deformity that doesn't measure up to the perfect Hollywood body.   We shrink back when someone's mental state of mind does not engage with us who deem ourselves to be more intelligent or socially hip.

As Christians we say we are totally against the "Survival of the Fittest" mentality yet our attitude reflects those of the staunchest nature of it.  The truth is that we're all disabled and have special needs.  Aren't we glad that Jesus loved us for who we are not on the basis of how great or small the special needs are?

Evan Dlugosz